Family

Can we paint over our emotions?

Our spare bedroom has been in flux for so long, I actually wonder if it will ever be used? The amazing thing about it, is it has transformed over the years with this journey, and it's getting prepared to transform again! Our house has 4 bedrooms. Cole has the second largest room, and the third room is a bedroom for when cole's GG comes to visit! The fourth bedroom has been in flux....it is a great second closet for me! It has great shelves for sheets and towels! About halfway through this journey, I decided that it was official, I would never have another child in this house. I got rid of all of the baby things, and decided since I have always wanted a red room, I would paint the fourth bedroom red! Not maroon, or a soft red. I painted it a blood, angry red. It was liberating, and a little fun. Then we started the adoption process, and there was hope for this room to house a baby. We decided we would start adoption looking to adopt a girl. We had Cole and we came up with a variety of reasons why this was going to be wonderful. And then I watched with emotional tears as the pink/mauve paint slowly began to cover my "red, full of rage, room" It looked great, and we set up the crib, and changing table, and began to wait for that exciting call. We waited, and waited, and waited. Soon, the room had a crib, which held my skirts, and things I didn't put in the closet anymore. We moved a small T.V. up in the room on the dresser, and a large exercise ball sat in the middle of the room. One day, helping my sister move, she had an old futon we took up in the room for comfortable T.V. watching. Our birthmom hadn't found out the sex of the baby until last week, and it's a boy! Another bouncing, energetic boy! BUT MY ROOM IS PINK! This fourth bedroom is getting ready for the new phase of the journey, and may soon be a great place for a new baby. The clutter is coming back out, and new paint is going up. What color now? And frankly, I can't wait to stand in the middle of that room, and paint it again, watching as the color on the walls, and in my life slowly transform. I'm taking the clothes out of the crib, and going to pray and hope the crib that has been set up for almost 2 years will be the perfect place for a new sleeping baby.

Am I on my way to Australia??????

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You’ve heard it’s a wonderful place. You’ve read many guidebooks and feel certain you’re ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you; you’ll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait-and wait- and wait.

Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, “Relax. You’ll get on a flight soon.” Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, “It’s not fair”.

After a long time the ticket agent tells you, “I’m sorry, we’re not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat.”

“By Boat!” you say, “Going by boat will take a very long time and costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane.” So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three times, marveling about each trip.

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite that you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air.

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, “Oh be glad you didn’t fly. My flight was horrible, traveling by sea is so easy.”

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you get there, but in the place itself.

-Author Unknown

A Match!

On December 27th, two days after Christmas, I got a call from our adoption agency sharing the good news that a birthmother had picked our family for her child. I remember standing there, mostly numb wondering if this was really the end of this long journey. Could this actually be the end of this six year drought? I didn't feel overly excited, or elated. I didn't jump for joy, or shout and hug and cry. I didn't feel anything, really. I held it in. I kept it for myself for hours. I played Monopoly with my husband and son, and watched T.V. I don't think I wasn't excited, I think for as long as I could, I wanted to keep that super happy secret for me. I wanted to hold it deep down and believe that this was the end, and we finally found our child! And then, as I'd move my piece around the Monopoly board, and buy another house, I'd think to myself, "Someone picked us!" "WE WERE PICKED." I wanted that good news to stay perfect and precious, and GOOD. I was so afraid the other shoe would drop or fall off. And that one night, or evening, or hour, would eventually be ruined. I did eventually tell my husband, later that night in bed. He was stunned. I think with just the news itself, but also that I went for 4 hours and never said anything. Then we tossed and turned all night, and worried! And just like I thought, as we sometimes do, we find a way to take the best most precious news and smear it with worry! Why do we do it? It was a day I will never forget....and I have decided to start this blog/or online journal...to remember how this all went...after the storm had hit.