A prayer full of thank you's....

We are still here....waiting. We thought she was going into labor today, but it was a false alarm. The nerves and tension mount and we all feel stressed and irritated. It's funny how you can wait for 6 years, but it doesn't seem like you can wait 3 more days. I'm putting Cole to bed and his prayer is so simple. Just Thanks for everything and everyone.

"Dear God,
Thank you for my mom and dad and grandma. Thank you for a fun day at the park. Thank you for the baby we might get, and for the baby's parents."

Huh? Never thought of it quite that simple........maybe I should take the lessons I learn from my 7 year old and just say a simple Thank You.

Renaming adoption......."Wait and see...."

All the agencies and lawyers and birthmoms and social workers and friends and neighbors have it all wrong. They have named this wonderful gift of loving a child...Adoption, but the whole process needs a new name................

JUST WAIT AND SEE....AND WHEN YOU GET CHOSEN.....WAIT AND SEE......AND WHEN SHE IS IN LABOR.........WAIT AND SEE........AND WHEN SHE HAS THE BABY AND HAS TO SIGN THE PAPER.........WAIT AND SEE.

And when all that is over, please, please, please, wait some more. That is all we have done. We waited for 5 years. Agency closed, failed adoption, profile shown 100's of times, and we waited. We waited to be picked, waited for the due date to come, waited and waited. And now, here we are, so close, and all we are doing is waiting. No baby, no labor, so far from home. We got in that car, and packed our things in a New York minute, busted to Florida, and all we have done for almost a week is wait. It has to be soon right? Talk about some weird feelings..here we are, away from work, and family, and home, and we continue to wait and hope that she decides to go through with this adoption. One might think at this point, being so close, we might be able to stop and smell the roses. I don't want to miss out on the experience with frustration from waiting. But I just want it to hurry up and get here! I'm impatient and emotionally spent, and the hard stuff hasn't even gotten here yet!

Dear God,
Please watch over my beautiful son and husband as we wait for our little joy. Please watch over BM as she prepares to give birth, and please give us the gift of patience. Help us to remember only you know what is best for us, and we trust that you will watch over us as we "hurry up and wait."

Bedtime....and lunch with BM tomorrow. Ahhh. the suspense and nerves!

taking flight.

We are leaving tomorrow and heading to Florida. AAHHHH! Nerves and crazy tense muscles. I've perfected the deer in headlights look, and been huffy with just about everyone I've talked to. Will we make it in time? The unknown is scary, but it just seems to bring you right in. We are going to throw our things in a suitcase and take off. We're coming little lad, we're coming!

...from fear......to excitement....to panic......to?????

Bliss? Do we get to go all the way to bliss? BM "D" goes to the dr. this week to have a check on the status of the baby and if he was able to turn. If not, she will most likely have a scheduled C-section in which we will start to make travel plans. It's getting closer and closer. We told Cole this last weekend and he was so excited! He has wanted to name every baby Joey, (my sister recently had a baby and he desperately wanted to name it Joey), and now he wants to name this baby Joey!
YES! The answer to painting over your emotions is YES! You can! It felt so good as I watched the pink disappear and the emotions from our last failed adoption disappear. And as the new green went up, excitement also started to rise up. It looks like a baby's room! I dug out the baby boxes in the basement, and have worked on an idea for a border. Started thinking about names, and washed the few clothes that I'd found. I've wandered around aimlessly in the baby section of many stores and started to look for a cross-stitch to put on the wall of a neat adoption quote I found......"born not of our flesh, but born in our hearts, you were wanted and hoped for and loved from the start." I've read and saved all the emails from the lawyer about 60 times. And each time I go from excitement to questions to fear and panic.
What will we feel? What will we say to the birthmother and birthfather when we meet them? What will they say to us? What we will name this baby? Will the baby be healthy? How will she feel? Will the adoption go smoothly? Will our homestudy EVER make it to the lawyer? Will we have all of our paperwork complete? Will all emotions be out of control? Will our son be able to handle it? Will we? Do we have what we need? Will be able to make it to Florida without our nerves going crazy? How long will we be there?

Two weeks to go....................................

Lucky charms.....or just Lucky?

We are down to four weeks. I can't believe it is so close. I feel tight and tense and worried about so many things. It's funny the places your mind can take you! Staying tight lipped about the news for a while was definitely a good thing for me. At least I can try to function as normally as possible as my emotions and mind seem to be in a constant spiral motion. So I got an update today as BM went to the dr. and told the doula she is placing this baby for adoption and really wants the first people to hold the baby the adoptive family! Really? There seem to be little pieces of new information along the way that reaffirm that this is really happening, and this is the right situation for us. I pray every day that the baby is healthy. So we will have to make travel plans and try to get things ready. I still haven't painted that room yet! The baby is breach, and if she wants us there before the birth, and he stays breach, that will make it that much easier for us to plan to get there on time. My son was breach, and I was thinking about how ironic that connection is. And then, for some weird reason, I started eating Lucky Charms. I have eaten a bowl a day for three days in a row. They are delicious! And it hit me.......I haven't eaten Lucky Charms since I was pregnant with Cole. What is the coincidence in that? And NOW of all times, I'm craving Lucky Charms????? And what's even funnier is that I gained so much weight with Cole, and I went through boxes of Lucky Charms. After I had him, I don't think I've eaten a bowl of Lucky Charms since......until now. They're magically delicious.....or maybe they're just magic!

Word vomit...can it fit in a card?

Where are the words? Are there words for this? Can you put years of feeling and emotions into a card? Can you shove a bunch of "thank you(s)" and "we're thinking of you(s)" into a note? Can a couple who has waited for years and years find the words to tell a mother they understand and have compassion for her pain? That she is giving the amazing gift of life and family to a stranger...are there words to describe that? To thank her? To explain to her: the pain and longing, the praying and talking, the searching and calling, the hoping and stalking, the anger and sorrow, and hopeful tomorrows that maybe this day would come? Can she tell us the pain in her life, and all her hopes for this child's life, will we fill it with all the things she can't give? Can she put in words the depth of those emotions and deal with them everyday?
So I wonder this week, as I look for a card (because of course, there are NO cards that fit these situations), and think of a quote, or a note, or a book or a song, that might have the words...because I don't. And I wonder if in a month from now, when the emotion of the moment hits, if there will be words? Will we all just be overwhelmed? Will we be in awe or shock? Will she save the cards and notes, and freeze frame our faces and words? You can't buy the words for strength, courage, and love at WalMart. You can't find them on a shelf, or on the phone with your favorite girlfriend. You can't share this kind of love with friends, colleagues, and acquaintances who find it foreign....
It's real, and it's creeping up so fast, and I hope when the time is here, I will have all the words that fail me now.