......And the pieces fall off....

Where has the time gone? I can't believe it has been almost two months since I last posted anything. I know I don't have a lot of readers, nor am I a very good "blogger", but I'm so glad I did it, I have loved getting the chance to "look back."

We just returned from Florida last week. The adoption was final on August 12, 2:00 p.m.! It was an incredible day. We were a little bummed that we didn't have friends and family around, but it really was a special moment for just us. He is settled, and smiles, and laughs, and is so soft and cuddly, and my family feels complete. I wondered what would happen after we finally adopted. I wondered how I would feel and if all those years and years of pain and suffering would just go away..poof! But no, that is not the way it worked for me. It didn't disappear like magic. It's like all that time, and all those years I turned into this frozen block of ice. And now that pudgy baby's smiles are heating me right up. Huge chunks of ice are just falling off. kerplop. plunk. splash. A little piece of pain, and worry chunks off. A piece of that unhappiness and worry from infertility falls off. I hold Oliver and cuddle him to bed and think to myself how much I love him. How much I love the fact that I got the chance to adopt him and bring him into our family. And how grateful I am to Danielle for giving him life. I'm not sure she could have picked a family that loves him as much as we do. And the best news of all is after it was all over, I stood in the house that we rented packing to go home, the same house we sat in for a week wondering if she was actually going to give him to us, and I cried. I cried to leave Florida, I cried for the times I spent in the Tampa airport trying desperately to convince a dr. to let me take him home. I cried for the park we played in while we waited, and the time I spent visited him alone, and all the happiness I feel just looking at him. Here I was, back in Florida, in the same places I was when I was going through all that waiting and turmoil, but THIS time Oliver was with me. Smiling, and sleeping in his carseat, looking cute as ever. And the last big chunk just fell right off! That's it! No more paperwork, or homestudies, or homevisists. No lawyers, or check writing, or emails. No adoption agencies, or home inspections, or fingerprints, or profile books, OR worry. But best of all, no more wondering if this story will have a happy ending.......I know the ending to this one, and it's all ours, and it's wonderful!

I have learned so much through all of this. As all my sunshine and happiness heats me back up, I know I will continue to pray and think of all the women who long for children and are slowly beginning to freeze up with the pain and longing it can bring...

I love it when.......

I love it when...........

someone says...take care of your boys.....PLURAL!

a stranger tells me how adorable Oliver is.

Oliver looks at me and laughs and smiles with just the expressions on my face.

My son looks at him and smiles and gets him to laugh.

Going to a restaurant and telling the hostess there are 4.

I have to take a stroller with me when I go somewhere.

I look in on that sweet sleeping baby and see his tiny fingers and toes and sleeping short breaths.

He lays his head on my chest and rubs my arm with his hand and he's awake!

My husband willingly and happily takes Oliver in the morning so I can sleep.

I hear Danielle has seen his pictures and thinks he's beautiful.

I hear about another woman's adoption/infertility story and I get to tell mine.

Priceless

3 years of trying to conceive
3 years of waiting to adopt
1 agency closing
3 avenues to travel to find our son
1 incredible and caring lawyer
26 days he spent in the NICU
4 trips to Florida
1,000's of dollars spent
5,000 different emotions once we got him home...........

but the feeling of bringing that precious boy home is absolutely

PRICELESS!

ag·o·ny

ag·o·ny

1. extreme and generally prolonged pain; intense physical or mental suffering.

2. a display or outburst of intense mental or emotional excitement: an agony of joy.

3. the struggle preceding natural death: mortal agony.

4. a violent struggle.

5. (often initial capital letter) Theology. the sufferings of Christ in the garden of Gethsemane.

Yep. that pretty much sums it all up. Monday, total joy. Tuesday, worry. Wed. agony. Thursday, cried all day. Friday, Sat, Sun, depression. Monday, back to work.

He was here, and once again, we left and came home without him.

agony.

I thought the waiting part was hard. I thought no knowing if we would ever adopt was hard. I thought the letters and homestudy and paperwork and preparations were hard. But this? This is total agony. We were matched! We have a precious little guy fighting in the NICU, waiting to come home. We were there, we held him and kissed him, fed him, changed him, and fell in love with him in about 30 seconds flat. But he's not here yet. I just didn't forsee this or prepare for this kind of agony. I don't feel like answering calls, and I don't feel like explaining to people. I just feel like watching the clock for the days, hours, minutes, and seconds to go by so I can bring him home.

I did find some good news today! The Ronald McDonald house will let me stay there when I decide to go back! $10.oo a night. It's a little far from the hospital, but it's just the kind of news I needed. I guess some people are realistic. They like to look at situations and make sure they are prepared for the worst. Not me. I like to see the possibilities. I truly believe if there is a will, there is a way. There is always a stone unturned, or something hidden you might have missed. My glass will always be half full instead of half empty, and even through all of this, I believe with all my heart that anything is possible. The Bible says that right?
"With God, all things are possible."

A great nurse who was wonderful to us when we were there took a few pictures of Oliver today. She says he is so cute and doing well. Hopefully, he will be home soon. I hope, I hope, I hope...

He's HERE!........

He's here! Finally! The wait is over..and he's all ours! It's been a crazy, emotional, exhausting day, but he is finally ours. Pictures below for everyone "dying" to see them!

Off Again........

Baby boy was born last night. He is 6lbs 3 oz.

We are leaving tomorrow on a plane to head back down.

The surrender will be signed around 11....before we even get there.

Until tomorrow.............

The Puzzle.

Isn't life interesting. You can look back and clearly see the irony in situations, or the glaringly obvious direction you were supposed to take. You can see how the pieces fit together and form a big picture. It makes sense and has continuity without jagged edges. The straight edges of the puzzle all fit together and the picture is perfect. BUT, in the moment, you have no idea where each piece will fit. Does it go in the top of the puzzle, the bottom? Is it a corner piece, one that is necessary to hold everything together? Is it a piece that has an entire face on it, and the whole will look unfinished without it? Or could it just be a simple piece that shows grass or clouds or something that doesn't affect the outcome of the puzzle at all? I can look back and see specific moments in my life that are almost unbelievable to me now.

For example, when I started teaching, before I had any children, I told friends and family that one day I would like to be a foster parent.

Or, one day, after I had Cole, I walked into my mother's house and told her that I was going to be a surrogate mother! Imagine that! After all these years, and efforts. After the surgeries and more surgery. I thought so simply and absentmindedly that this is so easy and I could just do it again and again. More so, that I could do it for someone else. I'll never forget what she said to me, "NO, this pregnancy was so hard on your body and your health, you can't risk that for someone!" Ha. I laugh at that now. How funny. Irony, sweet irony. I of course replied, "Yes, but there are people who can't do this. And everyone should get to experience being a mother if they desire to."

We finally got in the car on Tuesday and headed back home. BM could possibly not be due until March 18th. She was in the hospital twice thinking she was in labor, but she wasn't. She wasn't ready to have the baby. And all I could think about and worry about was the wasted time. The time off work, and away from our normal schedule and daily life. The sick time I was using to sit 18 hours away and wait patiently. The money that was going right down the drain.

We did get to meet BM and BFather. Which was an experience like no other. I honestly think sometimes I'm making a movie, starring me! It's my own personal show, and even if I told people about it they couldn't even believe it. Is this just how adoption is? Have other felt this exact same way?

So we drove and drove and drove our little rear ends back home and went to work today. Depressing. The good news is that she still wants us to parent, and she is still going to have the baby at some point. We will have to go back. So we are back to where we were before....so close, but yet, so far away.

It was frustrating, and irritating, and painful. It was like all the joy built up, and then another let down. And I felt like once again, I was walking away empty handed. My husband and I had a long talk one of the nights before we left. I tried to explain to him that life is like this, and this whole infertility thing has left me scarred. It leaves marks that don't leave. Pieces fall off, and soon you begin to view the world in a whole new way. I told him I am changed because of all this. The scars are there, and they probably will always be there. And then he says to me something I know I will never forget for as long as I live.... he says, "I can handle scars, I just wish the bleeding will stop." UH. I felt like I just got punched right in the gut, it broke my heart.

So my question tonight is, where does this piece fit? Will I be able one day to look back and see exactly how this completes the whole picture? Or will it just be one of those things that are messy and unclear? One of those puzzles that are 5000 pieces and you can never finish them no matter how hard you try? Wouldn't it be nice if we knew where the piece fit before we picked it up? Before we leaned over the table and searched aimlessly for the color or size or shape that matched it? Before we labored over it, only to return it to the pile and pick up another piece that might be easier to place?

I do know one thing, that man, MY man was meant for me. He gives me that look that says exactly how he feels about me. He would walk to the ends of the earth for me. He would go through infertility and adoption with me, and still come out loving me, and laughing with me. He will handle all the crazy irrational ideas I have. He will love me for my passion and drive and all the things that drive him straight crazy. And maybe this piece is just a big fat piece of glue that was meant to be stuck right between us.

So I will match my post with my music. As the tears streamed down my face, I will let his light guide me home, and "Fix me."

A prayer full of thank you's....

We are still here....waiting. We thought she was going into labor today, but it was a false alarm. The nerves and tension mount and we all feel stressed and irritated. It's funny how you can wait for 6 years, but it doesn't seem like you can wait 3 more days. I'm putting Cole to bed and his prayer is so simple. Just Thanks for everything and everyone.

"Dear God,
Thank you for my mom and dad and grandma. Thank you for a fun day at the park. Thank you for the baby we might get, and for the baby's parents."

Huh? Never thought of it quite that simple........maybe I should take the lessons I learn from my 7 year old and just say a simple Thank You.

Renaming adoption......."Wait and see...."

All the agencies and lawyers and birthmoms and social workers and friends and neighbors have it all wrong. They have named this wonderful gift of loving a child...Adoption, but the whole process needs a new name................

JUST WAIT AND SEE....AND WHEN YOU GET CHOSEN.....WAIT AND SEE......AND WHEN SHE IS IN LABOR.........WAIT AND SEE........AND WHEN SHE HAS THE BABY AND HAS TO SIGN THE PAPER.........WAIT AND SEE.

And when all that is over, please, please, please, wait some more. That is all we have done. We waited for 5 years. Agency closed, failed adoption, profile shown 100's of times, and we waited. We waited to be picked, waited for the due date to come, waited and waited. And now, here we are, so close, and all we are doing is waiting. No baby, no labor, so far from home. We got in that car, and packed our things in a New York minute, busted to Florida, and all we have done for almost a week is wait. It has to be soon right? Talk about some weird feelings..here we are, away from work, and family, and home, and we continue to wait and hope that she decides to go through with this adoption. One might think at this point, being so close, we might be able to stop and smell the roses. I don't want to miss out on the experience with frustration from waiting. But I just want it to hurry up and get here! I'm impatient and emotionally spent, and the hard stuff hasn't even gotten here yet!

Dear God,
Please watch over my beautiful son and husband as we wait for our little joy. Please watch over BM as she prepares to give birth, and please give us the gift of patience. Help us to remember only you know what is best for us, and we trust that you will watch over us as we "hurry up and wait."

Bedtime....and lunch with BM tomorrow. Ahhh. the suspense and nerves!

taking flight.

We are leaving tomorrow and heading to Florida. AAHHHH! Nerves and crazy tense muscles. I've perfected the deer in headlights look, and been huffy with just about everyone I've talked to. Will we make it in time? The unknown is scary, but it just seems to bring you right in. We are going to throw our things in a suitcase and take off. We're coming little lad, we're coming!

...from fear......to excitement....to panic......to?????

Bliss? Do we get to go all the way to bliss? BM "D" goes to the dr. this week to have a check on the status of the baby and if he was able to turn. If not, she will most likely have a scheduled C-section in which we will start to make travel plans. It's getting closer and closer. We told Cole this last weekend and he was so excited! He has wanted to name every baby Joey, (my sister recently had a baby and he desperately wanted to name it Joey), and now he wants to name this baby Joey!
YES! The answer to painting over your emotions is YES! You can! It felt so good as I watched the pink disappear and the emotions from our last failed adoption disappear. And as the new green went up, excitement also started to rise up. It looks like a baby's room! I dug out the baby boxes in the basement, and have worked on an idea for a border. Started thinking about names, and washed the few clothes that I'd found. I've wandered around aimlessly in the baby section of many stores and started to look for a cross-stitch to put on the wall of a neat adoption quote I found......"born not of our flesh, but born in our hearts, you were wanted and hoped for and loved from the start." I've read and saved all the emails from the lawyer about 60 times. And each time I go from excitement to questions to fear and panic.
What will we feel? What will we say to the birthmother and birthfather when we meet them? What will they say to us? What we will name this baby? Will the baby be healthy? How will she feel? Will the adoption go smoothly? Will our homestudy EVER make it to the lawyer? Will we have all of our paperwork complete? Will all emotions be out of control? Will our son be able to handle it? Will we? Do we have what we need? Will be able to make it to Florida without our nerves going crazy? How long will we be there?

Two weeks to go....................................

Lucky charms.....or just Lucky?

We are down to four weeks. I can't believe it is so close. I feel tight and tense and worried about so many things. It's funny the places your mind can take you! Staying tight lipped about the news for a while was definitely a good thing for me. At least I can try to function as normally as possible as my emotions and mind seem to be in a constant spiral motion. So I got an update today as BM went to the dr. and told the doula she is placing this baby for adoption and really wants the first people to hold the baby the adoptive family! Really? There seem to be little pieces of new information along the way that reaffirm that this is really happening, and this is the right situation for us. I pray every day that the baby is healthy. So we will have to make travel plans and try to get things ready. I still haven't painted that room yet! The baby is breach, and if she wants us there before the birth, and he stays breach, that will make it that much easier for us to plan to get there on time. My son was breach, and I was thinking about how ironic that connection is. And then, for some weird reason, I started eating Lucky Charms. I have eaten a bowl a day for three days in a row. They are delicious! And it hit me.......I haven't eaten Lucky Charms since I was pregnant with Cole. What is the coincidence in that? And NOW of all times, I'm craving Lucky Charms????? And what's even funnier is that I gained so much weight with Cole, and I went through boxes of Lucky Charms. After I had him, I don't think I've eaten a bowl of Lucky Charms since......until now. They're magically delicious.....or maybe they're just magic!

Word vomit...can it fit in a card?

Where are the words? Are there words for this? Can you put years of feeling and emotions into a card? Can you shove a bunch of "thank you(s)" and "we're thinking of you(s)" into a note? Can a couple who has waited for years and years find the words to tell a mother they understand and have compassion for her pain? That she is giving the amazing gift of life and family to a stranger...are there words to describe that? To thank her? To explain to her: the pain and longing, the praying and talking, the searching and calling, the hoping and stalking, the anger and sorrow, and hopeful tomorrows that maybe this day would come? Can she tell us the pain in her life, and all her hopes for this child's life, will we fill it with all the things she can't give? Can she put in words the depth of those emotions and deal with them everyday?
So I wonder this week, as I look for a card (because of course, there are NO cards that fit these situations), and think of a quote, or a note, or a book or a song, that might have the words...because I don't. And I wonder if in a month from now, when the emotion of the moment hits, if there will be words? Will we all just be overwhelmed? Will we be in awe or shock? Will she save the cards and notes, and freeze frame our faces and words? You can't buy the words for strength, courage, and love at WalMart. You can't find them on a shelf, or on the phone with your favorite girlfriend. You can't share this kind of love with friends, colleagues, and acquaintances who find it foreign....
It's real, and it's creeping up so fast, and I hope when the time is here, I will have all the words that fail me now.

Family

Can we paint over our emotions?

Our spare bedroom has been in flux for so long, I actually wonder if it will ever be used? The amazing thing about it, is it has transformed over the years with this journey, and it's getting prepared to transform again! Our house has 4 bedrooms. Cole has the second largest room, and the third room is a bedroom for when cole's GG comes to visit! The fourth bedroom has been in flux....it is a great second closet for me! It has great shelves for sheets and towels! About halfway through this journey, I decided that it was official, I would never have another child in this house. I got rid of all of the baby things, and decided since I have always wanted a red room, I would paint the fourth bedroom red! Not maroon, or a soft red. I painted it a blood, angry red. It was liberating, and a little fun. Then we started the adoption process, and there was hope for this room to house a baby. We decided we would start adoption looking to adopt a girl. We had Cole and we came up with a variety of reasons why this was going to be wonderful. And then I watched with emotional tears as the pink/mauve paint slowly began to cover my "red, full of rage, room" It looked great, and we set up the crib, and changing table, and began to wait for that exciting call. We waited, and waited, and waited. Soon, the room had a crib, which held my skirts, and things I didn't put in the closet anymore. We moved a small T.V. up in the room on the dresser, and a large exercise ball sat in the middle of the room. One day, helping my sister move, she had an old futon we took up in the room for comfortable T.V. watching. Our birthmom hadn't found out the sex of the baby until last week, and it's a boy! Another bouncing, energetic boy! BUT MY ROOM IS PINK! This fourth bedroom is getting ready for the new phase of the journey, and may soon be a great place for a new baby. The clutter is coming back out, and new paint is going up. What color now? And frankly, I can't wait to stand in the middle of that room, and paint it again, watching as the color on the walls, and in my life slowly transform. I'm taking the clothes out of the crib, and going to pray and hope the crib that has been set up for almost 2 years will be the perfect place for a new sleeping baby.

Am I on my way to Australia??????

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You’ve heard it’s a wonderful place. You’ve read many guidebooks and feel certain you’re ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you; you’ll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait-and wait- and wait.

Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, “Relax. You’ll get on a flight soon.” Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, “It’s not fair”.

After a long time the ticket agent tells you, “I’m sorry, we’re not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat.”

“By Boat!” you say, “Going by boat will take a very long time and costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane.” So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three times, marveling about each trip.

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite that you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air.

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, “Oh be glad you didn’t fly. My flight was horrible, traveling by sea is so easy.”

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you get there, but in the place itself.

-Author Unknown

A Match!

On December 27th, two days after Christmas, I got a call from our adoption agency sharing the good news that a birthmother had picked our family for her child. I remember standing there, mostly numb wondering if this was really the end of this long journey. Could this actually be the end of this six year drought? I didn't feel overly excited, or elated. I didn't jump for joy, or shout and hug and cry. I didn't feel anything, really. I held it in. I kept it for myself for hours. I played Monopoly with my husband and son, and watched T.V. I don't think I wasn't excited, I think for as long as I could, I wanted to keep that super happy secret for me. I wanted to hold it deep down and believe that this was the end, and we finally found our child! And then, as I'd move my piece around the Monopoly board, and buy another house, I'd think to myself, "Someone picked us!" "WE WERE PICKED." I wanted that good news to stay perfect and precious, and GOOD. I was so afraid the other shoe would drop or fall off. And that one night, or evening, or hour, would eventually be ruined. I did eventually tell my husband, later that night in bed. He was stunned. I think with just the news itself, but also that I went for 4 hours and never said anything. Then we tossed and turned all night, and worried! And just like I thought, as we sometimes do, we find a way to take the best most precious news and smear it with worry! Why do we do it? It was a day I will never forget....and I have decided to start this blog/or online journal...to remember how this all went...after the storm had hit.